Things To Remember If You're A Supermodel Who Wants To Date Me

GQ has a story about the 16 things to remember if you want to date a supermodel. (Found on Digg, which made me giggle. Lots of guys dating supermodels on Digg.)

After reading through it, I thought I’d make my own list: things to remember if you’re a supermodel who wants to date me.

Pay attention, Adriana.

1) Okay, you’re hot. And? As William Gibson once pointed out, we live in an age of affordable beauty. (If you don’t know who William Gibson is, at least in passing, we’re already off to a bad start.) I recognize your superior genetics. Now, why don’t we try having a real conversation? What was the last book you read? Favorite movie? Most embarrassing high school behavior?

Being pretty is simply not enough. Be interesting.

2) You want me to take you where? No. I am not going to fly you to Paris to show you I’m romantic. Sorry, kitten. I might write you a song, I might even buy you a puppy, but the only time you and I are flying to Paris is on our honeymoon.

Your multiple appearances on the cover of Vogue didn’t suddenly make me rich. Though they probably made you rich.

Come to think of it, you’re taking my ass to Paris.

We can fly coach. I’m cool with that.

3) You are probably much hotter in a t-shirt than in a Christian Dior dress. Most women are. (Especially if a t-shirt is all they’re wearing.) If you’re dating me, I’m more interested in who you are off the runway than on it. So be a normal girl. It’s cool. I won’t tell anybody you don’t wake up in full makeup and hair.

4) Flirting with Brad Pitt is not okay. (Though flirting with Angelina probably is, unless you do her, and I’m not around to at least watch. That’s not cool at all.) Playing little games to judge my level of adoration is the best way to find your million-dollar ass waiting for a taxi out front.

Have some manners.

5) Speaking of doing Angelina, would it, like, kill you to at least ask her? She might be down with it. I mean, I know she’s married to Brad and everything, but maybe they swing. I mean, fine, you can ask him too. But I’m not touching Pitt’s dick. I’m really firm about that.

Clooney, maybe. But not Pitt. Fuck that.

6) And your other model friends? Tell me you don’t think it would be hot to make out with that one chick, you know who I’m talking about, the one from the makeup ads, while I’m totally like giving it to you from behind, and then I can switch off and hit that for a while and you can rub scented oil on your boobs. I’m just sayin’.

7) No, I’m not going to reinstall Windows for you. I know you keep saying how “totally adorable” it is that I’m a geek, but it’s just not gonna happen. Look, do I ask you to, like, try on my clothes and run around my living room with your arm cocked to the side in that totally gay way? No? Then don’t ask me to do my job for free. (Unless you can pull off the Angelina thing.)

8) And would it kill you to read some Achewood? No, Ray Smuckles is not that little sissy from Naples with the mohawk that Elton’s been bringing to all the best parties this season. Pay attention.

9) Listen, I’m really serious about this whole sex-with-you-and-Angelina-at-the-same-time thing. I’m not saying I’ll break up with you if that shit doesn’t happen, but I won’t be quite as adoring. I’m just letting you know now.

10) I know you’re probably really shy and just a small town girl, but if we don’t do it by the third date, I’m kicking your ass to the curb. Sorry, baby, but that’s the way we roll in Ellistown. And you better not just lie there and act like I should be grateful just to touch ’em. You better be like a fucking wild cheetah. You better be like that chick in the video for “Rio”, when she was all, like, scratching Simon LeBon’s face with her nails and shit, and you know he hit that after the cameras stopped rolling, and she was probably awesome.

Come to think of it, can you ask the chick from the “Rio” video to come over and get her freak on? She might be better than Angelina.

I’d totally fix your computer then. Seriously.

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  1. Damn it. I was quietly chuckling at this until I took a big mouthful of tea and hit “but I won’t be quite as adoring” at the same time. Invoice for cleaning up my desk is now in the mail. 🙂

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