…I tracked down the MySpace profile of the girl I lost my virginity to when I was 15. On homecoming night. We got all dressed up, walked halfway there, realized we’d forgotten our tickets, went back to my house, went upstairs, had sex, and then went to homecoming.
I remember her dress was so tight it would have been a nightmare to get on and off, so she just hiked it up. That’s my memory of losing my virginity: big boobs packed into a gold lamé dress, and the peeling pink wallpaper of my bedroom, which looked like a David Fincher set. And also that a woman’s vagina was much warmer than I thought it would be. Also, she kept her eyes open.
Oh, what’s that? I’ve spoiled your Valentine’s with the image of my pimply teenage ass pounding away at some Montana debutante in the bedroom of that fat guy from Se7en?
Good. Happy Horny Werewolf Day, fuckers.