My current theory on dieting and weight loss.

If you take a statistical sampling of diet tips from a few dozen people, you will learn that every single possible foodstuff is terrible for you; water may be poisonous in small doses; and that the only “real” way to lose weight and get into shape is to make your daily caloric intake consist of the following:

1) 3 eggs;

2) A perfectly round piece of chicken that has been twice-boiled;

3) A spoonful of salmon fat;

4) A 45 single of Barry Manilow’s “Mandy”, covered in hummus and diced peanuts.

I’m beginning to think that everyone I know may actually be insane.

So my theory is this: I’m going to try to keep a 2 to 1 ratio of vegetables to meat or higher. I’m going to stop drinking sodas (which I mostly have, even diet, unless I’m in a place where it’s soda or whiskey). I’m going to pretend that chocolate is made out of hydrochloric acid and will actually burn me if it enters my body. If I need something sweet, that’s what bananas are for.

I know you’re about to tell me that bananas have sugar in them. You’re probably also going to tell me that some scientific article you read says that bananas give you rickets or the King’s Evil or something.

Fuck off. Eating an entire bunch of bananas, complete with the tarantulas that illegally immigrated amongst their leaves, is better for me than a single Chocodile, which is my sick and sad weakness when stopping in for smokes at 7-11 of an evening. So quit your weird gastrological nonsense, which you probably got out of an old copy of Maxim or Stuff you were leafing through while waiting in the doctor’s office for the results of your herp test. So you were freaked out and YOU DON’T EVEN REMEMBER WHAT THE ARTICLE REALLY SAID, BECAUSE YOU WERE TOO WORRIED ABOUT HAVING TO REGISTER ON HERPES DATING SITES TO GET YOUR SEXY TIME ON.

Also, no more mocha lattes, which is a punishment described to Dante Aligheri by Virgil as being meted out to New Media Fuckheads in the Fourth Circle of Hell.

(And yes, they had New Media Fuckheads in the Dark Ages. What do you think Johannes Gutenberg was? He sat around in the coffeehouse in Mainz all day, tapping away on his printing press in his designer horn-rims and hoping chicks would ask him what the hell it was and what he was doing with it. Which was writing a novel about a guy who invents a printing press and then moves to Bali to discover the glories of untrammeled nature, while getting coke-fueled blowjobs from Merovingian raver girls in leather jackets.

Alas, like the dreams of all New Media Fuckheads, this didn’t work out for J-Gut, so he put on a suit and got rich printing Bibles instead. But I bet you he thought about that novel ’till the day he died.)

Back to work now.

Random Thought Of The Day

America’s greatest national resource is not oil, or crops, or arable land.

America’s greatest national resource is hope. And today we have renewed that resource.

And we will remember, I hope we will remember, that our hope is not predicated upon the successes or failures of one man or one party or one government. America is not her president or her government. America is not her territories or her economy.

America is a belief, held at first by only a few people, that we can pull ourselves out of the muck of history — of predetermination and of the inevitability of tyranny and failure. The people who believed that were flawed people, but their idea was good. And over the past two centuries, their idea has become shared by the whole world. It has not only become popular, but essential to the survival of any nation — the understanding that the power to do good or ill rests ultimately in the hands of the citizens.

I believe that Barack Obama will be a good president. I hope that he will be a great president. But my hope is not entirely in his hands. My hope comes from the simple fact that he was elected…because it tells me that America’s people recognize our mistakes and missteps and want to find a better way.

I am confident, for the first time in a long time, that we will find that way. It is good to have a good president, but it is better to have a citizenry who are willing to accept the responsibility for running their own country. And Obama’s election, I believe, is a sign that we are ready to do that.

And me? I’m off to the coffee shop to work on my novel.

Because some things never change.

Random Thought Of The Day

It’s a terrible thing to watch Nathan Barley and feel all superior to those trendy new media assholes…and then suddenly realize that you’re watching Nathan Barley and feeling all superior to those trendy new media assholes whilst simultaneously editing together clips from the Prelinger archives to make videos for spoken word pieces about monsters.

While wearing a lime-green sleeveless t-shirt with an Indian print of an elephant on it.

Jesus, turn me into a bird and let me fly away from here.

I am. I really am.

Random Thought Of The Day

What is the smallest possible yield for a nuclear explosive? In other words, what’s the smallest possible mass required to become critical? Could you build a nuclear bomb with the explosive force of a grenade, for example?

I understand generally how a nuclear fission reaction occurs, and I’m guessing that the answer has to do mainly with the fissile material used; it takes a minimum X amount of plutonium to generate fission, etc. etc.

But does anybody know what the actual equation for this would be?

Random Thought Of The Day

Quantum entanglement: it occurred to me today that the only ways quantum entanglement works is if a) space-time is a four-dimensional object that is folded around itself in n-dimensional space (n being a number higher than four), and what appear to be two entangled quanta are not actually four-dimensional particles but a single y-dimensional (y being a number equal to or higher than n) structure which happen to pass through four-dimensional space in two different places.

Or b) when the probability waveform of an entangled quanta collapses, it retcons the other particle’s waveform, backwards in time, so that it appears that the two quanta’s behavior is simultaneous — “spooky action at a distance” — when in fact, they are not. One follows the other. Just not in the direction we’re expecting.

Which makes me wonder about the whole concept of time and cause-and-effect. I wonder sometimes if the whole “first cause, then effect” thing isn’t merely a function of how humans perceive time — in a straight one-way line, when in fact that might not be the case at all. We may only perceive time as a one-way arrow. There’s nothing in physics that insists that this must be true, famously. And perhaps unidirectional time is an epiphenomenon which only really happens at the Newtonian scale. We know that the flow of time is relative at Einsteinian scales (very big, very fast). And we know that cause-and-effect breaks down at a quantum level.

Schrodinger’s Cat, for example, suggests that the observation of a quantum event collapses the probability waveform of that event: until one opens the box, the cat is neither alive nor dead. Both waveforms exist within the unobserved confines of the box.

However, here’s the interesting part: the cat doesn’t suddenly live or die when you open the box. If the cat is dead, the cat has already been dead for a while by the time you open the box. But it’s just as possible the cat is alive, and was alive the whole time.

Which suggests that the act of observation — which collapses the probability waveform inside the box — not only changes the present, but the immediate past (i.e. all of the time since the experiment began and the cat was either killed or not killed). It suggests that cause-and-effect may be localized, inside the box and outside it.

I’m very sleepy. I’m going to go to bed now.

Random Thought Of The Day: Global Warming

So there are constantly people debating whether or not Al Gore is full of shit about global warming. (He’s not, by the way, but I’m not going to argue the point with you. His facts are accurate.)

So maybe there is global warming, and maybe it’s caused by man-made pollutants, and maybe not. But whether or not global warming is going to kill us all next summer, or a century from now, or maybe never, I gotta ask the question: isn’t it just a good idea to develop cleaner, greener technology anyway?

And aren’t the stakes high enough that it’s worth going on the assumption that, yes, if we don’t start taking better care of the planet, we’re all going to die, and let’s just fucking do it and quit arguing about it?

Oh, and, uh, don’t give me any of the usual bullshit about putting hippie environmentalism before economic reality. There’s money in green technology. Lots of it — fat government grants, consumer money, b2b money, everywhere.

So really, if you’re anti-environmentalism, you’re simply shoring up aging industries like the automobile industry, at the expense of new, developing markets. If you vote against environmental laws or initiatives, you’re voting to let the government provide shelter for industries that couldn’t survive under the scrutiny of those laws.

You are anti-market. You, sir or madam, are the fucking socialist hippie.

I win.

Random Thought Of The Day

There is a tendency to use CPU power as a benchmark for technological progress. (“In 1960, a computer had X amount of cycles per second. In 2008, computers have Y amount. Wowee!”) As a blunt tool, this seems effective…but it seems to me that you can really measure progress in technology as an inverse function of the relative complexity of using any given device as a proxy for obtaining pornography.

Another Random Thought Of The Day

In wake of the Gizmodo thing from CES, I keep seeing comments saying “They just should have secured their IR ports. It’s a security lesson.”

Well, know what? When I walk up to you on the street and slap your teeth out of your head, and then kick you in the stomach hard with my steel-toe boots, and then piss on your wounds…well, fuck you, because you should have had bodyguards. It’s a security lesson, asshole.

Civilization exists on the reasonable assumption that most people will not actively act like douchebags. Be knowing and cynical here if you want, but you’re actually neither, because this is generally the case. Nobody else at CES went around turning off presentations with a TV-B-Gone. Just this prick from Gizmodo. And then the stupid bastard went and mouthed off about it on his blog. And they kicked him out, rightly so.

I wish these dudes would take responsibility for being idiots.