Not In This World (Or The Next One)

All right. A few of you asked, so here’s the extremely rough demo I recorded for this song. It’ll probably end up being about a half-step higher and with more arrangement — this is just me getting it down on disk. So don’t expect great singing or high fidelity.

Not In This World (Or The Next One) Music + lyrics by Joshua Ellis

I’m a good soldier I march like they tell me My feet fall in time When I stop moving I stare at your picture And I trace the lines

Of your eyes and your mouth And your hair as it falls In fractured waves I put you back in my pocket And I count the days

But I am sunburnt and sand-blinded And I’m lost in space I disappear in the whiteness I am erased

Never again Never again Never again Will I laugh at your lies Never again Never again Not in this world Or the next one

Wear that gray dress that you wore on the day When we went to the zoo Watching the animals climbing for shelter And I looked for shelter in you

But now I’m surrounded by bullets Screaming like ghosts Of all of the things that I’ve left I think I will miss you the most

But if it wasn’t this it would be something else And I am no longer afraid This is all anyone gets And I am not ashamed

Never again Never again Never again Will I beg at your feet Never again Never again Not in this world Or the next one

Never again Never again Never again Will I call you up Drunk and afraid Never again Never again Never again Will I break any promise I’ve made

I would ask you to forget me My name and my face Lock all the doors of my memory And throw all the keys away

Go out and get drunk and get crazy And start a new life Ghosts have no need for companions And no need for wives

Never again Never again Never again Will I haunt you Never again Never again Not in this world Or the next one

Never again Never again Never again Will I haunt you Never again Never again Not in this world Or the next one

links for 2008-01-23

You Stupid Fuck

Heath Ledger is dead of a drug overdose. Naked and dead (according to Warren) in Mary-Kate Olsen’s apartment. (Apparently this wasn’t true, at least the Mary-Kate Olsen part.)

This is appalling. Not only did Ledger always strike me as a bright, honest guy, but he was also one of the very few actors of his generation who struck me as having infinite potential. Even in lighthearted stuff like A Knight’s Tale, he showed an incredible amount of charisma and intelligence. I was genuinely pleased to hear about his casting in Dark Knight as the Joker — he had the smarts to pull the role off, and by all accounts he’s excellent in it. He was one of those actors you look forward to seeing in ten, twenty, thirty years, doing good work.

And the stupid little shit left a two year old daughter. Fucking bastard. A year younger than me.

[Edit: I want to point out, as I did in the comments, that even if his death was accidental, he was still a fucking idiot for messing around with pills in the first place. Anybody who’s popping sleeping pills in the early afternoon to maintain is probably in a fairly weird state to begin with. Don’t get me wrong — I’m really sad he’s dead. I think it’s a genuine tragedy. But he was being either incredibly careless or self-destructive, and I still think that’s a shitty way to act if you’ve got a small child.]

Jesus.

I took a break from my other projects tonight and wrote the saddest song I’ve ever written. Not melancholy, but just plain heartbreakingly sad. I didn’t even mean to write something like this. It just came out.

It’s called “Not In This World Or The Next One”. It’s about a soldier in Iraq, singing a song in his head to his wife as he’s dying in combat, telling her he loves her and he’s not afraid anymore and that she needs to forget him and go on. “Ghosts have no need of companions,” he says, “and no need of wives.” There’s no promise of redemption in it, no “I’ll see you in Heaven”. “Never again / Never again / Never again / Will I haunt you,” he says. “Never again / Never again / Not in this world or the next one”.

I mean, I know that sounds depressing, but it’s not me, it’s him, if that makes any sense. It’s the guy in the song.

I don’t know what the fuck to do with this. It’s a really good song, I think, but it’s also the only thing I’ve ever written that actually makes me want to cry. (I know that sounds dumb, but I can’t help it. It does.) I mean, what the fuck do I know about being a soldier? What do I even know about loving someone so much you tell them to forget you when you’re gone, because you couldn’t stand the idea of them pining away? The song is as honest as anything I’ve ever written, and it’s not maudlin or a big weepy number or anything. It’s actually in a major key, mostly, and the melody is plain. But it’s just incredibly goddamn sad.

I really don’t know what to do with this.