Walk Harder Next Time

Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox Story had some funny moments, but on the whole, I thought it was trying way too hard. It couldn’t decide if it wanted to be satire or parody, and consequently it fails on both fronts, I think, despite some great performances and some genuinely funny bits — the Beatles bickering, the roadie’s penis hanging out next to John C. Reilly’s head, the bits with Tim Meadows as the drugged-out drummer trying to warn Dewey away from the various drugs he keeps finding Meadows doing in various bathrooms. (“You don’t want none of this, Dewey!”)

So here’s my impression of a style I think would have worked better for the film. Hollywood, feel free to call me the next time you want to do a rock biopic parody.


Dewey slams through the door into the bathroom. He’s full of rage and frustration.

DEWEY Damn you, God! Damn you, Jesus!

He punches the mirror, which shatters. He grabs the sink and rips it from the wall. Bits of tile come with it, and water begins spraying everywhere.

DEWEY What the…oh, shit!

VENUE OWNER (from inside stall) What the fuck?

The VENUE OWNER comes out of the stall. He’s a middle-aged, square type.

VENUE OWNER What the fuck did you do to my goddamn bathroom, you greaser sonofabitch?!?!

DEWEY I’m sorry, mister…I didn’t mean to…

The venue owner peers at him.

VENUE OWNER Wait a minute…aren’t you Dewey Cox?

DEWEY Yes, I am, sir, and you can send me the bill…or my cousin, he’s a plumber, I can–

VENUE OWNER Bill? (laughs) Why would I send you a bill? You just made this bathroom famous!

DEWEY Huh? I’m sorry, I don’t get you…

VENUE OWNER “See the bathroom destroyed by rock ‘n’ roll heartthrob Dewey Cox!” Hell, I can charge people to come in here. (beat) I mean, we do that on bingo night anyway, but–

DEWEY You’re not mad?

VENUE OWNER Mad? Kid, you just made my night.

The two of them look at the destroyed sink and the spraying water for a long moment.

VENUE OWNER Besides, happens all the time.

DEWEY Really?

VENUE OWNER Oh, yeah. Richie Valens was in here last week…little fucker poured concrete down my drains and lit the goddamn kitchen on fire.

DEWEY No shit?

VENUE OWNER Oh, yeah. Where the hell he found a bag of concrete that time of night, I have no idea. (beat) Plus he kicked both the doors off my Cadillac.

DEWEY Wow. ‘Cause, I mean, Richie ain’t that big of a guy, you know–

VENUE OWNER I know, who woulda thought, right? But that’s rock ‘n’ roll musicians for you. It’s hell on my upkeep but heaven on my ticket sales, you know what I mean, kid?

DEWEY Yeah, I mean…that’s pretty crazy. I do feel better, now.

VENUE OWNER Yeah, don’t worry about it, kid. I got insurance for this.

DEWEY Insurance?

VENUE OWNER Oh, sure. Had to. Ever since those Everly fuckers played here. Sick cocksuckers, the both of ’em. Mean. Just mean.


VENUE OWNER Now get out there, kid, and show those teenyboppers how to rock and roll!

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