An Open Letter To America

Hi, America. Josh Ellis here.

So I’ve been noticing, for the past couple of years, a rising backlash against the current presidential administration. I hear a lot of you talking, wide-eyed and horrified, about Bush’s lies and the excesses of the NSA and Gonzalez’s Justice Department, the stupidity of the war…you know what you’re all so shocked about, so I’m not going to make a laundry list. You’re outraged by all of this. You want answers.

What none of you seem to want to do is to shut the fuck up and take it good and hard.

You see, you have absolutely no right to outrage. You have no right to point fingers at anyone. You really, in fact, have no right to complain at all. Because this is all your fault. All those lies you were told? Feeble, silly lies, told by patently untrustworthy people who could barely keep a straight face during press conferences. No one with any sense would have believed them. I didn’t believe them, ever. None of the smart people I know believed them, because they were such blatant fabrications that a small child could have easily seen through them.

My fellow Americans, most of you are now demonstrably less canny and intelligent than a small child.

The war in Iraq? Your fault. Your dead children husbands and wives and brothers and sisters? Your fault. You are guilty of filicide, fratricide, and homicide beyond imagining. Every single American man and woman who died in the dirt and shit and sand of Baghdad and Fallujah and Tikrit? Their death is specifically your fault. You believed those pathetic lies, you hid your ignorance in the cheap cloak of patriotism. You stood by and did nothing while our military — your military — disgraced themselves and us with torture and rape and unjustified murder. You are widowmakers, orphanmakers, you create terrorists by the thousands because you sent your children and husbands and wives and brothers and sisters to a place where they cannot discern between friends and enemies. Those new terrorists, those suicide bombers and jihadists who hate you so much? Their hatred is justified. You see, you killed their children and husbands and wives and brothers and sisters, their parents and teachers and friends. You did it. Not Bush, not Rumsfeld or Petraeus. You did it.

You treat our friends and neighbors with xenophobia, paranoia, hostility and contempt. And then you whine like sick dogs because you are hated everywhere in the world. They, too, are right to hate you. You are spineless bullies, disgusting little thugs who hide behind the big gun of the American military and dare anyone to look at you funny.

This is your fault. I cannot say that enough.

9/11 was a tragedy, but it was not the first tragedy, and not the last, and not even the worst. It certainly was not an excuse to collectively wipe our asses with the Constitution. And that’s precisely what we’ve done, by removing the foundations of the First and Fourth Amendments, just as a beginning. You may not know or believe that, but what you know and what you believe is pretty much irrelevant at this point.

You know nothing. You believe what you’re told.

In fact, that may be the new defining characteristic of the 21st American: you do what you’re told. You do what you’re told because you refuse to think for yourself or make any decision beyond which reality TV show you’re going to watch tonight and which one you’re going to TiVo. You buy what you’re told to buy, you vote for the candidate who seems most like you (meaning oblivious, borderline imbecilic and totally unwilling to accept responsibility for his actions). You don’t want to hear when people who — unlike you — actually pay fucking attention to the world around them try to tell you that you’re being used and lied to.

We’ve been telling you for the past six years that you’re destroying your own country. You. Not them. Because you want freedom and you want democracy, so you live in a nation of elected officials. You picked these people. You should have known what they were. We did. We told you. You picked them anyway.

So quit whining. Quit complaining. Quit trying to find somebody — anybody — to blame. Because this is all your fault. And you deserve what you’ve gotten.

It doesn’t matter who you vote for this time. The Democrats are spineless and the Republicans are all small, crazy men. The damage has been done. And you did it.

Do me a favor. Don’t vote. You don’t deserve it, even if advertising tells you you’re a smart, beautiful, unique snowflake. You’re actually kind of a retard. So stay the fuck out of politics and let those of us who can find our own country on a goddamn map make the decisions for a while, you chimpy little bastards.

Am I upsetting you? Good. I hate you. You suck. Your sense of entitlement and your unwillingness to accept the consequence of your (non-) choices makes me physically ill. Let me reiterate that: when I think about you dribbling fuckmonkeys rolling into the polling booths in your little Electric Weasel scooters, I pray for Armageddon. If there is a God, His most holy purpose will be to rid the world of people like you.

So sit down in front of your TV, put on The Flavor Of Love reruns, shut up, do what you’re told, and stop lying to yourself: you’ve destroyed America. You. Nobody but you. Enjoy the world you’ve made.

And enjoy your show.

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