My current theory on dieting and weight loss.

If you take a statistical sampling of diet tips from a few dozen people, you will learn that every single possible foodstuff is terrible for you; water may be poisonous in small doses; and that the only “real” way to lose weight and get into shape is to make your daily caloric intake consist of the following:

1) 3 eggs;

2) A perfectly round piece of chicken that has been twice-boiled;

3) A spoonful of salmon fat;

4) A 45 single of Barry Manilow’s “Mandy”, covered in hummus and diced peanuts.

I’m beginning to think that everyone I know may actually be insane.

So my theory is this: I’m going to try to keep a 2 to 1 ratio of vegetables to meat or higher. I’m going to stop drinking sodas (which I mostly have, even diet, unless I’m in a place where it’s soda or whiskey). I’m going to pretend that chocolate is made out of hydrochloric acid and will actually burn me if it enters my body. If I need something sweet, that’s what bananas are for.

I know you’re about to tell me that bananas have sugar in them. You’re probably also going to tell me that some scientific article you read says that bananas give you rickets or the King’s Evil or something.

Fuck off. Eating an entire bunch of bananas, complete with the tarantulas that illegally immigrated amongst their leaves, is better for me than a single Chocodile, which is my sick and sad weakness when stopping in for smokes at 7-11 of an evening. So quit your weird gastrological nonsense, which you probably got out of an old copy of Maxim or Stuff you were leafing through while waiting in the doctor’s office for the results of your herp test. So you were freaked out and YOU DON’T EVEN REMEMBER WHAT THE ARTICLE REALLY SAID, BECAUSE YOU WERE TOO WORRIED ABOUT HAVING TO REGISTER ON HERPES DATING SITES TO GET YOUR SEXY TIME ON.

Also, no more mocha lattes, which is a punishment described to Dante Aligheri by Virgil as being meted out to New Media Fuckheads in the Fourth Circle of Hell.

(And yes, they had New Media Fuckheads in the Dark Ages. What do you think Johannes Gutenberg was? He sat around in the coffeehouse in Mainz all day, tapping away on his printing press in his designer horn-rims and hoping chicks would ask him what the hell it was and what he was doing with it. Which was writing a novel about a guy who invents a printing press and then moves to Bali to discover the glories of untrammeled nature, while getting coke-fueled blowjobs from Merovingian raver girls in leather jackets.

Alas, like the dreams of all New Media Fuckheads, this didn’t work out for J-Gut, so he put on a suit and got rich printing Bibles instead. But I bet you he thought about that novel ’till the day he died.)

Back to work now.

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0 Responses to My current theory on dieting and weight loss.

  1. Marco says:

    Dr. Joshua,

    Check this site out for some no B.S. tips on nutrition and fitness. (Know you’re a fan of 300 – this is the approach the actors followed to get in shape for the film). Pretty straightforward. Eat REAL food (including red meat – and no need for perfectly round twice-boiled chicken) avoid processed crap, reduce refined carbs. And as for chocolate – just stick with real (min. 70%) dark chocolate – it’s good for you.

    Mix in a regular workout comprised of some of the basic movements outlined here, and you’ll be ready for your middle east mission (and to give Gerard Butler a run for his money) in no time…

  2. PatrickWR says:

    I’m reminded of the best diet advice I’ve ever encountered:

    “Eat food, not too much, mostly plants.”

  3. Mundane Joy says:

    You’re on the right track. I’ve dropped about 20lbs since Xmas just by eating less red meat and more veggies/fruits.

    Portion size has been a major factor too…it’s OK to have a cheeseburger once a week, but not a double (or triple) and I don’t need the Mega-Size box of fries and a liter of Coke.

    That, and getting my ass out and moving (walks, hikes, and bike rides) 3 times a week has really done the trick.

    20lbs isn’t a HUGE deal, but it definitely beats staying the same or gaining. You don’t need fancy diets or anything…keep doing what you’re doing and you’ll get there.

  4. keith says:

    Well, you aren’t going to want to hear this but here goes.

    It doesnt matter WHAT you at as much as HOW MUCH. Of course eat as many plants as possible, this is for sure true. Dont eat a lot of bread. Cut out the sugar/caffine.

    FOR GODS SAKES STOP FUCKING SMOKING!! Go out and run (or bike if you have bad knees). Situps, pushups, and/or go to gym. Eat your food in the morning when you first wake up. Dont eat after 6:00 pm. Quit staying up all night, get into a regular sleep routine.

    Essentially do all the things you know you should do.

    I am not nagging, I have been through this too, I used to weigh 315 pounds, I got down to 250 for a while, im now up to 270 and still fighting it everyday. It is the hardest thing you will do , but it is also the most important.



  5. Laurenn says:

    I’m going to agree with everyone else, and put in a plug for Weight Watchers. They don’t have the weird “you have to buy our food” thing – they basically just teach you portion control. Their cookbooks are generally really good, but everything could use more salt.

    Every single doctor says the same thing – it is less what you eat than how much you eat. You have to burn more calories than you use. That’s it – basic chemistry.

    Fiber fills you up, so if you eat more things with a lot of fiber (whole wheat, some veggies) you can eat less get full and feel satisfied. Bananas are awesome for you. Pickles have no calories. Popcorn is god’s own food. (Can you tell I love salt?)

  6. Colm De Barra says:

    It’s all very well dieting to lose weight but a far more balanced and healthy approach is to combine that with plenty exercise – that way you get the benefits of being fit as well ! Squash / tennis / soccer / jogging / biking / martial arts – surely there’s some form of sport you’d be interested in doing ?

  7. Billy Kess says:

    i agree with just about everyone here. Keep it simple.

    Try not to eat any sweets at all. Eat to live – don’t live to eat.

    Man does not need chocodiles to live. So don’t bother. Like you said – if you want something sweet. There is fruit. A nice juicy naval orange – I have a local fruit stand where I get 5 of them for 2 bucks – and they’re nice and big – about 4 to 5 inches in diameter. Nice and juicy with little or no pits and they peel easy.

    Less red meat – fill up on white meat… fish and chicken breast.

    veggies… lots of it… even a serving of creamed spinach will do you good.

    Need a snack – reach for an apple.

    Less bread – try to stay away from bread as much as you can. White rice is a better filler than bread. Although they both have carbs, white rice has less yeast and all that shit.

    Added things like sugar, ketchup, stuff like that – cut back on… just a little ketchup – a little sugar.

    Lowfat milk in your coffee instead of 1/2 and 1/2…

    just every day things – keep it simple… no need to log everything and monitor everything – that gets too much and people end up getting sick of it.

  8. Very interesting post , I’m curious what your thoughts about these new miracle cures are. I know Oprah recently reviewed one with Dr Oz and they said it could increase your body’s metabolism enough to burn 700 calories per day.

    What are your thoughts?

  9. Pingback: Zenarchery Blog Archive My current theory on dieting and | Green Tea Fat Burner

  10. Ian Rogers says:

    I can related to this for sure, there’s something new all the time. Curious about what kind of weight loss program Kirstie Alley is launching at